Be Kind to Yourself

I have struggled with my weight for years, along with a lot of my female relatives. A few have managed, somehow, to win the war either by losing it or by accepting it, but most of us battle on. We worship at the Church of Weight Watchers, and while math is not our strong point we can convert calories to points quicker than most people can blink. That formula is our 11^th commandment. Growing up, “being good” meant iceberg lettuce and cottage cheese for lunch while staring wistfully at the box of cookies perched on top of the fridge, an altar to whatever the Patron Saint of High Metabolism might be. Even now, I cannot go into a grocery store without hearing my mother’s voice in my head as I survey the contents of my cart: last night, Cool Ranch Doritos were buy one/get one free, and as I put both bags on the conveyor belt I could hear her saying, as if she were standing next to me, “A moment on the lips, forever on the hips”.

To which I mentally replied, “Well, at least I put the Haagen Dazs back”.

Then I came home to find a Weight Watchers magazine in my mailbox, which was odd because I didn’t subscribe to it.

Subtle, huh.

The truth is, a few years ago I rebelled, quit “The Church” (for at least the seventh time), and spent an entire year in therapy trying to get to the route of my food issues. In retrospect it sounds ridiculous, but at the time I didn’t realize that what I had been doing was considered binge eating – basically, bulimia without the puking. And it honestly wasn’t that I felt bad about myself, or had no self-esteem, or even that I was bored – it’s that all this awful stuff had happened and I had utterly no idea of how to cope with it…so I ate. I knew how to do that. And then, for reasons I don’t remember, my doctor (not my therapist) set me up with a very old-school nutritionist, who in one 45 minute appointment managed to undo six months of therapy by insisting there was no emotional component to food. Yes, I’m pretty sure she sucked lemons for fun.

Recently, I discovered the show “Fat Friends”, another BBC gem (for which I cannot find a good internet link). What I both hate and love about BBC programs is their utter, brutal honesty. They have a way of creating characters that on one level are stereotypical – but at the same time so complex and real they almost make you want to cringe because you can so relate…like the fat boy who gets beat up by his schoolmates, who turns out to be overeating as a result of his parents divorce and feeling like he is responsible for taking care of his mother (who is clearly incapable of taking care of herself and has reassigned her son to the role of “man of the house”). Or the woman who finally loses a ton of weight because she thinks her husband is ashamed of her, when it turns out he actually, genuinely loves her regardless of how much she weighs, but was living in terrifying fear that she was losing weight so she could leave him. The program underscores two things for me: one, being overweight is so not about the food, but about the underlying emotional turmoil; and two, if we spent half the time we use up obsessing about our weight and the size of our bums on something really productive, the world would be SUCH a different place.

And yes, I would like to send the Lemon Sucking Nutritionist a copy of this program.

I write all this because it’s New Year’s Eve and I’m on the precipice of, yet again, trying to get a grip on my weight. Since leaving NYC I’ve managed to put back on the weight I lost a few years ago, partly because a whole NEW set of things happened that I didn’t know how to deal with. (That’s the thing about life, really – you can stop making old mistakes, but there are always new ones that come along.) It’s also partly because I got really unfocused, and started confusing “self kindness” with “self indulgence”. In her book “When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair”, author Geneen Roth makes some critical distinctions between these two things, chiefly that self-indulgence is “continuing to do what is harmful to you after you realize it is harmful”, whereas self-kindness is “stopping doing what is harmful to you”. The proverbial light bulb went off in my head when I read this last night, and I realized that more than anything else, “Be kind to myself” would be the best possible motto for 2010, and a great way to frame my Happiness Project work in the months to come. Because isn’t being happy the ultimate kindness we can show ourselves?

Happy New Year. (Champagne has 2 points).

Happiness Project: Energy Consumption

An oddly restful Christmas holiday with just my parents and grandmother, and I am delighted to report that my niece called from California to tell me she loved her new quilt. She has yet to realize the patchwork is different -- miracle of miracles! She and her sister also loved the Project Runway dressmaking kits I got them, as well as the extra bits of fabric I sent, and my sister reports that they are Very Busy playing Fashion. Tim Gunn, watch out! My own favorite gifts include marshmallow lip gloss and an itunes gift card from the cat (aka my sister), with which I was able to download a bunch of much-wanted songs by Snow Patrol.

But moving along...I mentioned that I am embarking on Gretchen Rubin's "Happiness Project Challenge". January’s topic is energy, and (obviously) I got a little bit of a head start on this one…for some reason this whole thing really motivated me, and if I’ve learned anything it’s that very little motivates me, so I need to ride the wave while I can.

So. I started focusing on energy by looking at my energy consumption. At least during the winter months, when I am not running the air conditioner, my energy consumption is actually fairly low. I live in a small apartment that is in a converted mill, and that decision alone significantly reduces my own personal carbon footprint. My electric bill runs an affordable ~$30 a month, so there’s not much financial incentive to further reduce my costs. Plus, I own a car that gets 35-40 mpg, I take the train to work every day, and I recycle as much as possible. On the downside, as a renter I have no control over my appliances, which from what I can tell are not of the energy efficient variety, but I can use the cold water cycle in the washing machine, adjust the settings in my fridge/freezer, and limit the use of my dishwasher….all of which I do regularly. And, although heat is included in my rent, I have also made sure that my windows are shut tight, and I close the blinds at night to help retain heat.

My energy sins, though, are as follows:

• I habitually forget to turn off the bathroom light.
• I leave my phone and ipod chargers plugged in.
• Things like my DVD player and printer, which I use infrequently, are plugged in and turned on.
• My sewing machine is always plugged in.
• I have a small fan in the bedroom that runs 24/7.

As “baby steps”, I’ve gone around the apartment and unplugged all the things that I use infrequently, and I’ve left myself a note on the door to remind me to turn things off – like the fan and the bathroom light. I know many of you are thinking, why on earth is she bothering to write an entire blog post about putting a note on her door…all I can say is, this is so antithetical to my default behavior it is almost akin to my skin spontaneously turning blue. I’m Just Not That Organized. But also – the point is that even small changes in our lives can lead to improvements, and a series of small changes can have a tremendous cumulative effect on our wellbeing. Even if I manage to save $5 a month on my light bill, that’s $60/year…which is a week’s worth of groceries, a new sweater, or a contribution to a charitable organization. And somewhere along the line, a little bit less of fossil fuels are being used on my behalf.

Next up in the energy challenge: Physical energy!

Needhams

I rarely cook. I'm single and have a small kitchen and rely on my microwave more than is necessary. A combination of forces this weekend, including a ridiculous snowstorm and the upcoming holiday, have driven me into the kitchen. Yesterday, in addition to the pink popcorn, I made these peanut butter cups, which were good (although tricky), and later I'm going to try making this caramel corn. Or at least I was, until my morning project completely derailed me...both me and my kitchen are currently covered in bits of melted chocolate and coconut, and I had to take a breather.

So - about these needhams. My paternal great-grandmother was something of an awesome cook. The stories my dad tells about her whipping up magnificent chocolate cakes at the drop of the hat are family legends. She died when I was three, but one of my earliest memories is of standing in her pantry on top of a little step stool, watching her pop popcorn, which is what she did whenever I visited. I called her "the popcorn Nana" (literal even then...) to differentiate her from my other Nana, my great-grandmother on my mom's side - who was also an excellent cook in her own right.

One of the things "the popcorn Nana" made for my dad when he was a kid was needhams. I think this is an old Mainer thing, because pretty much anyone not from Maine blanches when they hear the ingredients. Baked potato mixed with coconut and powdered sugar...well, it is a bit of a stretch. When I was younger, there was a company called Seavey's in Lewiston, Maine that used to manufacture these, but they went out of business a few years ago. Their needhams were a good-sized square, individually wrapped in a wax-paperish bag. You could buy boxes of them at the grocery store, and every once and awhile they'd make an appearance during the holidays at our house.

Back in 2005, one of my dad's sisters gave me Nana's recipe for the needhams. Let me just say that when I moved out of that apartment two years later, I was still finding splotches of melted chocolate in cracks and crevices. Dipping sticky coconut in melted chocolate is an under-appreciated art form, is what I'm saying. Luckily, they tasted fine, but they did not in any way resemble the needhams anyone else in my family made.

So this weekend I tried again. Last night I baked the potatoes and made the filling, spreading it out on a pan, and stuck it in the fridge. This time I didn't even TRY for squares and went straight to making little balls before dipping it in the chocolate. The first few looked nice - rustic, handmade, but certainly edible. But after a few dips, the coconut got mixed in with the chocolate, and the next few were a little, well, ploppy looking. Exhibit A:

What is missing from this photo is me, covered in chocolate.

I've stuck the pan of coconut in the freezer, where it is currently sitting, in hopes that it will firm up more and make the dipping easier. The recipe encourages the use of paraffin wax in the chocolate, which I don't use because the idea of it grosses me out a little, but it will give the chocolate a nicer, glossy finish.

If you are motivated and have some time, here's the recipe, complete with my editorials. Let me know how yours come out!

2 medium baked potatoes

4 1/2 cups confectioners sugar

1 pound shredded coconut

butter size of a pea

1 teaspoon vanilla

24 ounces chocolate chips

1 or 2 squares of paraffin wax (3 inch squares)

Mash hot baked potatoes with the butter, and gradually add the sugar. [Editorial: what turns up in the bowl resembles glue. As far as I know, this is the intended outcome.] Add remaining ingredients. If the mixture is too dry, add more potato. Pat into buttered sheet 9 x 13. [I just lined a cookie sheet with wax paper.]

Chill mixture overnight. Cut into 1" squares. [Good Luck.] Take a portion of squares off the pan and stick the remainder back in the fridge, as these dip best when chilled and not at room temperature. [Amen.]

Melt chocolate chips on top of a double boiler. [I microwaved mine.] Add wax if desired. Dip squares into the chocolate, then place on wax paper to harden up. Since mixture is rather sticky, putting the square on top of a two-prong meat fork to dip into the chocolate seems to work well. [I wouldn't know, as I can't get squares to begin with.]

Needhams freeze well.

Edited to add: sticking the coconut mixture in the freezer about 30 minutes prior to dipping enabled me to get something resembling a square/rectangle. Alas, the freezing made the dipping more difficult, as the chocolate began to set up pretty quickly. I'm thinking that the paraffin wax might be necessary after all...next time.

Pink Popcorn

When my sister and I were little Nanny, our maternal grandmother, would often have us for an overnight visit. One of the highlights of these visits was a special treat that we called "pink popcorn", which really does no justice to this sweet, salty and crunchy affair. We'd get ready for bed while Nan made the popcorn, then we'd close down the kitchen and take the popcorn to the living room, where we'd watch the Love Boat or whatever else might be on television, while Nan knit or crocheted.

A few years ago Nan gave me the recipe, and for some inexplicable reason I finally got around to making it this afternoon. And while I know time travel does not exist, let me just say that the minute I tasted this again I could practically feel myself sitting there on the couch in my flannel nightie, sitting next to my little sister with a bowl of popcorn in between us, with Nan sitting in the chair with her legs tucked up under her, yarn in her lap and instructions balanced on the arm of the chair. Powerful stuff, this is.

A few things about the recipe: first, I used a bag of microwave popcorn and it turned out just fine; second, you have to use butter - margarine won't work; third, any color food coloring will do, but once we had Nan make it blue and we swore it tasted different; fourth, as with anything involving hot boiling sugar be extremely careful, this is not a kid-friendly recipe; fifth, if kids are going to eat this, it might be worth the extra time to pick out the unpopped kernels; sixth, you have been warned, this stuff is like crack for anyone with a sweet tooth.

Ok, ready?

4-6 cups popped popcorn

1 cup sugar

1/4 cup water

1 1/2 tablespoons butter

a couple drops of red food coloring

Powdered sugar (confectioner's sugar)

Spread the popped popcorn in a lightly greased shallow pan. In a saucepan, combine the sugar, water, butter and food coloring and bring to a boil while stirring. Boil until the soft ball stage (230-240 degrees). Gradually pour the syrup over the popcorn and stir until there is even coverage (it will get sticky). Sprinkle powdered sugar on top while it's all still warm. Let it cool a bit before eating - but not too long, as its best while still slightly warm. It will allegedly keep for a few days in an airtight container, but honestly? We've never had any leftovers.

Someone asked for a photo -- I suspect this will look like a bowl of popcorn to most people but if you look really hard, there's a hint of pink. I could have used another drop or two of food coloring.

The Requisite Annual Navel Gazing 2009

Like a lot of people, I find this time of year a good spot to stop and think about what I’ve accomplished and what I want to achieve in the coming year. I stopped making resolutions a long time ago, but I do like to pause and reflect about the things that are important to me, identify areas that I want to focus on, and outline baby steps I can take to move myself forward. And when I say “baby steps”, I mean exactly that – for example, in 2008 I set the goal for myself of simply submitting one essay for publication, which I did just under the wire in late December. The point was simply to put something I had written in the mail. I had utterly no expectations; in fact, I took consolation in the fact that the essay would never see the light of day. I was simply forcing myself to confront my fear of sending my work out.

(I recognize how weird this may sound for someone who blogs, but the thing about blogging is that unless you are, say, Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, it’s very easy to assume nobody is reading the thing, and so it feels private…even when it’s not.)

Imagine my surprise when, six months later, I found out the essay was going to be published. When they asked me if the work “was still available for publication” (meaning, nobody else had bought it) I almost fell off my chair from laughing. Nobody else had SEEN the thing.

(While I had been published before, during college, it was a fluke of grand proportions involving my roommate’s brother desperately needing copy for a new magazine he was art directing, and him grabbing my first journalism class assignment off the kitchen table. I was so blasé about the whole thing that I was truly startled when I showed up at class and my professor was stunned that one of his students had been published. At the age of 21 I had no idea this was actually a big deal.)

At any rate, having this latest essay published was proof positive for me that in fact, baby steps can work, and so I set about to figure out other parts of my life that might benefit from them. In 2009 I had this vague notion that I wanted to figure out what makes me happy, after realizing that a succession of things (boyfriends, jobs, apartments) were not making me happy (shocking, I know). This wasn’t a goal that could necessarily be quantified, but through a series of baby steps I started noticing improvements in my mood. Eventually I stumbled upon Gretchen Rubin’s blog and officially christened my explorations as a Happiness Project. In 2010, as I continue exploring happiness, I’m going to follow Rubin’s monthly happiness challenge, where every month I will focus on a particular area of my life. I am not 100% sure how I will deal will all of her topics , so I may change things up a bit if something more relevant comes up. But there’s something appealing about this approach; I like the idea of devoting one month to something. It seems like it will be long enough to investigate and make some changes, but short enough so that I won’t get sick of it.

January’s topic is Energy, and while I’m not yet sure what Rubin has in mind, I am going to define this in three specific ways: physical, emotional, and consumption (as in, electricity). There are some basic things that I already know affect my energy levels …but I’m interested in exploring this further. Like, for example, every few months I think to myself, I really should take a basic multi-vitamin, because my idea of good nutrition is a grilled-cheese and tomato sandwich. I run out and buy vitamins, take one, and then promptly forget about them for another few months. What would happen if I actually took one every single day? Totally a baby step. And maybe I won’t feel any differently, but it’s possible that it might just boost my energy a bit. If not, no harm/no foul. Likewise, I know that there are a number of small things I can do to reduce my energy consumption, including unplugging my rarely-used toaster, DVD player, and printer. Small things, but still valuable.

If you’d like to play along, visit Rubin’s blog or check out her upcoming book (I have no relationship, business or otherwise, with her; I just like her blog). Also, another good source I've found for “annual life planning”, for lack of a better term, is Chris Guillebeau’s blog.

Purple Redux Done

If you've been wondering where I was...I was back in purple land, making a second quilt for my youngest niece. I tried my best to make it "exactly the same", although it was not possible to make the patchwork match precisely. Because I had to buy more fabric to make this one, I think it is possible that I have more purple fabric now than when I started these...

A Few of My Happy Things

It's snowing out and for some strange reason I am WIRED; cannot sleep at all. Since 'tis the season and all that, plus I haven't written about my happiness project in a while, I thought I'd share a few things that made me happy this week.

1) Harney & Sons cinnamon spice tea. Here in the Boston area it can be found at Au Bon Pain, Barnes and Nobles, and Roche Brothers. It’s a very sweet tea – no need for sugar-and I find it extraordinarily comforting, plus it smells very holiday-like. It is caffeinated, although they do sell a decaf version; I don’t recommend drinking the regular stuff before bed (although I have been known to ignore my own advice and curl up at night with the tea, a blanket and a good book).

2. The new catalog from Halcyon Yarn. When I was a kid in rural Maine, the arrival of the new Sears catalog in the mail was a big deal – my sister and I would fight over it, then spend hours poring over the clothes and toy sections, circling the things we wanted Santa to bring us. The Halcyon Yarn catalog is smaller, but no less full of dreaming...at least, if you are prone to dreaming about fiber projects. Every time I get one of these in the mail I start thinking about how much I’d like to try weaving or spinning, but the last thing I need is another hobby. Also? downtown Bath, Maine, where the store is located, is one of my favorite places on the planet.

3. Knitting. I virtually stopped knitting for about six weeks, a combination of other projects percolating and repeatedly forgetting my knitting bag. Re-resolving to finish something (anything!), I fished out a sock project from my UFO (unfinished object) pile. Shockingly, the first sock was literally five rows away from being done, which is sort of odd; I’m guessing I was probably knitting on the train and had to stop suddenly to get off, because I can’t imagine what else would have stopped me from kitchener stitching a toe. But I digress. The point of this is to say that I was reminded that there is something about repeatedly making tiny stitches with excellent sock yarn on wooden needles that I find ridiculously comforting.

4. The Tori Amos “holiday” album, Midwinter Graces. This is not your typical sing-alongChristmas carol album, but even if you don’t consider that a good thing this CD is worth investigating. Even if you are not particularly enamored with Tori Amos, it is worth investigating. Don't be put off by the fact that she looks possessed on the album cover (what were they thinking?!). The songs are beautiful interpretations of traditional Christian and pagan themes, creating new out of the old (which ought to shut Glenn Branca up). A few of the songs can even survive the holiday season. My favorite on the album is her version of “Jeannette Isabella” – it makes me happy every time I hear it.

5. David Sedaris. I’ve been re-reading his books of essays this week, plus the current New Yorker has a story by him in it about sea turtles, and I am yet again marveling at both his humor and his essay construction. He simutaneously makes me want to pick up my own writing again and want to burn everything I have ever written because it will never be as good as his stuff.

6. NPR. For some odd reason the planets have mysteriously aligned and I can now, finally, get NPR on my clock radio. I am swooning to again wake up to Steve Inskeep’s voice (although…still miss Soterios Johnson from my NYC days…). There was recently a Morning Edition segment where Neil Gaiman (writer of "Coraline" and friend of Tori Amos – “Neil says hi by the way”) was talking about audio books, and there was a short clip of him interviewing David Sedaris. I was amused, not the least of which because Sedaris...well, he has kind of a strange voice. In fact, I have a hard time listening to him and honestly, if he wasn't so funny, I wouldn't even try. Which reminds me, it's about time to pull out his "Holidays on Ice" book!

The Holiday

Three stormy days at my parents' house with my nieces produced the following:

Aviator Bunnies, from a pattern by Hillary Lang. I had hoped these would be easy enough for the girls (ages 7 and 9) to hand sew, but alas that was not the case - the pieces are very tiny. Had I access to a photocopier, I would have tried enlarging them just a tad for the girls, but as it was I spent an afternoon sewing these up. The girls did the stuffing, though, and I think they may have overstuffed the heads because the bunnies wouldn't stand up on their own (or maybe they aren't supposed to?)...next time I may put beans or something in the bottom to weigh them down. But SO cute, and I'm anxious to make more. I think they would be great tied to Christmas packages!

Next up - paper dolls. We used a doll pattern from the current issue of Cloth, Paper, Scissors that was intended for sewing with cloth, but we used oak tag paper for the bodies and leftover scrapbook materials for the clothes and accessories. I was surprised at how intently they both worked on this project, and how they both quickly figured out they could use the body pattern to make clothes from it. J. gave hers mismatched socks (which to me looked like an excellent pair of boots), and G. gave hers a mini-dress. (J. very sweetly left hers on my mother's pillow before she left to go back to California!)

Finally, a tie-dye project. A few days before Thanksgiving, my youngest niece announced she wanted a "tie-dyed Thanksgiving" - I think she was just being silly, but I found a kit at the fabric store along with some plain white T's. I thought my mother was going to ban me from the house when I showed up with permanent dye, but we snuck down to the basement after Thanksgiving dinner while the rest of the adults were in food coma mode. The girls' brother declined to participate, but we made him one anyway.

I had a great time with the girls making these projects, but must confess to having been a tad anxious about leaving the cat alone for a few days. Intellectually I knew he'd be just fine, but I was a little worried about him getting lonely...and a little worried about there not being anyone around to stop him from using the wood cabinets as a scratching post. As it turned out, I opened the apartment door and stepped in cat food...I'd forgotten to put away his new bag of cat food, and even though I had left ample food for him, he decided to go the self-service route:

Project Litter Box

One of the challenges of having a cat in a small apartment is the location of the litter box. In my current situation, I really only had one option - the floor underneath some built-in shelves in my bathroom. Mostly it's a fine solution, but I have to confess that while I'm soaking in the bathtub the last thing I want to see is the cat doing his business. And when company comes, especially young children, I wanted to be able to "hide" the box while still allowing Wilbert access to it (for all the obvious reasons).

After living here 5 months, this afternoon I finally got around to making a little curtain. I used a small tension rod and one yard of ridiculously cute bird fabric* - which I had bought just because it was so cute. This literally took half an hour to sew up. All you need to do is cut off the selvedges and square up the fabric, then hem the sides, the top, and then finally the bottom. I sewed another seam in the top hem so there is a sleeve to put the tension rod through, which gives the top a bit of a ruffle. In this case one yard was perfect in both length and width. I wasn't exactly particular about my hemming, either - I used the iron to double-fold the edges and then just sort of eyeballed the seams. I mean really, the cat will be the only thing really looking at it...but if you are a bit more detail-oriented, it would have taken another whole 10 minutes to be really accurate about the hemming. And, voila:

I'll leave it half-open for awhile, 'til the cat gets used to it. Those fake flowers on the right? Those would be what he kept knocking off the back of the toilet seat. (Not to be outdone, I got up yesterday morning and found an entire, brand-new roll of toilet paper in the bowl...clearly, the cat has declared the top of the tank an "item free" zone.)

*Fabric is the "Starling" print by Alexander Henry

Back to Regular Programming

I had a lovely weekend in NYC, where I learned that pretty much anyone who is anyone in the NYC theater world has been on Law and Order and All My Children. I was also reminded of the fact that you have to be careful about what you say around 4-year olds: my friend's husband made a comment about cats being just as clean as humans, and I retorted, "Well, I don't know about you, but I don't lick MY butt". Hysterical laughter erupted from the 4-year old, who then spent the next few minutes improvising with words that rhyme with "butt" and "poop". We'll see if I'm ever invited back.

Once home, it was back to the sewing machine. These blocks will not win any prizes - they were very difficult to square up and hardly any of the points match. At a certain point I just gave up trying - I just wanted to sew, and not be too fussed about the results. I do, however, really like the pattern, especially the pinwheels that form with the background fabric when you piece the blocks together (the white ones here). I think by all rights I should add another row...except I'm out of blue and green Bali strips. Not sure if I'll improvise with some other fabric, or just call it good enough and add some borders:

I'm trying to decide whether to start sewing the second purple quilt next, or actually commit to finishing something, be it sewn or knit...my apartment looks like a graveyard for unfinished projects right now. The problem is, every time I go through the fabric or yarn to "de-stash" I discover more material for a new project...right now there is some really cute baby sheep fabric just taunting me from across the room. *sigh*

May the Road Rise to Meet You

I have one more serious, non-fiber related post for the week, and then I am off to NYC for the weekend to see my dear friend S.'s new musical. Back to sewing and knitting next week, I hope!

A few days ago, I learned that a former coworker of mine committed suicide. This was not someone I was particularly close to, but I always thought well of him. I was on the east coast and he was on the west coast, but we spoke regularly on the phone for a couple of years and saw each other at meetings on either coast from time to time. This was a handsome, driven man, committed to making a difference in the world, full of passion and energy and drive. The thought of him taking his own life is an incomprehensible tragedy to me.

Mostly what I want to say is, I am grateful that his friends and family are being honest about the cause of death, and his long struggle with bipolar disorder (which I never knew about until now). Even in a world where (it seems) every 5 seconds an antidepressant commercial airs on television, there is still much shame surrounding mental health issues. And conversely, I think there can often be a cavalier attitude about mental health as well – “here, take a pill, you’ll feel better”. In serious cases medication can help, but sometimes it stops working and a person has to endure weeks or months of finding another medication – or combination of medications – to regain some sense of normalcy in his life. Sometimes the medication can work too well, in that it can convince someone with chronic mental health issues that they are now cured and no longer need the medication…but a few months later they are back to struggling for their very existence.

I don’t know what the situation was with my coworker. What I do know is that over 200 people joined a Facebook page in his memory, and dozens of people have written about what an impact he had on their lives. I can’t tell you how humbling it is to read about the things he accomplished, and yet he found himself filled with such pain and despair. This makes me wonder if it’s really accurate to refer to suicide as a “choice”…I think that once a person has gone far enough down a darkened path death can seem like a foregone conclusion, rather than an option. But choice or not, I'm sad that despite being surrounded by people who loved him and did everything humanly possible to help, that this was the end result.

Jackopierce was a favorite band of his, and they sing a song based on this old Irish blessing that seems like a completely appropriate send-off...

May the road rise to meet you

May the wind always be at your back

May the sun shine warm upon your face

May the rains fall soft upon your fields

And until we meet again

May God hold you in the palm of his hand

As Maine Goes...We Leave

As a native Mainer, I was vastly disappointed by the referendum vote repealing Maine’s gay marriage law. As a hopelessly straight woman who has had every relationship dissolve into an ugly, slimy pile of goo, I often don’t understand why anyone wants to get married. But, as a former pre-law student who loved constitutional law, I believe that we have constructed marriage in such a way that it confers certain legal rights and privileges, and that it is unconstitutional to deprive a certain class of people of those legal rights and privileges.

But the civil rights argument apparently didn’t work in Maine. The influx of out-of-state money and propaganda aside, what I really think hurt the state on this issue is, frankly, what’s been hurting the state and will continue to hurt the state for years to come: Maine is the “oldest” state in the nation, with fully 15% of its population over the age of 65 (US Census). Simply from a generational context, the older demographic is less likely to embrace major social change, particularly an issue such as gay marriage because they grew up in a time where homosexuality was not at all embraced. They are also statistically the demographic most likely to vote. The problem is, it’s a catch-22: if they keep making decisions like this, Maine will continue to lose younger people who are more likely to choose to live in places that are tolerant and accepting of alternative lifestyles. This has enormous implications for the state’s economy and workforce -- Maine already is at a competitive disadvantage with its aging and under-educated workforce. Giving younger people additional reasons to leave the state, or to not come back, is the last thing the state needs. What the “No on 1” campaign should have done is run ads that said, “Uphold gay marriage so there are people to work at your nursing home in 10 years" -- because our generation has and will continue to vote with our feet.

Sort of ironically, before I left Maine (for the second time, I should mention…) I served on the Realize!Maine steering committee, which is an initiative committed to retaining and attracting people under 40. I felt like a traitor for leaving, especially for NYC and then Boston…and I still have days when I think about moving back. In fact, the proliferation of “I’m glad I don’t live in Maine anymore” proclamations onFacebook and in newspaper comments today makes me wonder if maybe us not living there anymore is actually part of the problem. We weren’t there to vote no. But we also won't be there to support the state's economy, either -- and that's not something the state of Maine can afford to lose.

Happiness...Deferred

Like many people, I find Monday’s really hard to slog through. Chances are I’ve spent the weekend doing all of the things I love – sewing, knitting, visiting with friends, reading, writing, playing guitar – and it makes me incredibly grumpy to arbitrarily put the brakes on because it’s Monday morning and I have to go to work. [Unless I don’t – Monday is the day that I am most likely to take off, either scheduled (a holiday or a vacation day), or unscheduled (90% of the time when I get sick, it’s over a weekend and lingers into Monday...which irritates me to no end, because who wants to spend their weekends sick!?).]

But most of the time, Monday is a work day that dumps me out of my imagination and into reality. It’s a difficult transition, and I often feel like my brain spends most of Monday rearranging itself for the work ahead, going from a right-brained artistic focus to a left-brained language and linear thinking focus. And it’s REALLY bad on those weekends where I hole up by myself to sew and don’t see or talk to people (ie, really shut my left brain off); I’ll get into work and be barely able to speak a whole sentence.

The one thing that I look forward to at the end of my Monday workday is stopping by the news stand at South Station to buy the new edition of The New Yorker. This is my “I made it through Monday” treat, and I read it on the train ride home. Sometimes I finish the entire thing, other times there are a few pieces left that I save for the Tuesday morning train into work. Like any periodical, I find some issues better than others – for me, a David Sedaris essay trumps a long article about the economy any day. Still, no matter what, it sucks me in almost completely, so much so that I have to be careful that I don’ t miss my train stop. The New Yorker seems to have the right balance of intellectual reporting and slap-dash humor; you’ll find hysterically funny stories (or cartoons) right next to superbly researched and written stories about really serious topics. I also like the reviews of art, theater, movies & books – even when I have no interest in the subject matter, the writing always makes it worth reading.

It occurs to me from time to time that it would be infinitely cheaper for me to subscribe to the magazine, rather than paying the newsstand price (or for that matter, read it online) but then I’d have to find something else to get through Monday. Happiness is not always practical.

As it happens, happiness is also not always on schedule. Tonight, wouldn't you know, the news stand didn't have the new copy yet! And today was a particularly bad Monday, too. So I, um....well, I had Little Lad's popcorn for dinner again. Yum!

Happy Weekend Things

I land here empty-handed in the sewing and knitting departments. My dad was here this weekend, and brought me an almost-as-old-as-I-am John Denver guitar songbook. I think I bought this book for him for Christmas when I was about ten, and grew up listening to him play the songs. John was a staple in our old stereo, and I used to sing the songs on long car rides - "Rhymes and Reasons" was always a favorite of mine (they played this song a lot after 9-11 - ""though the city starts to crumble and the towers fall around us"). Even now when I struggle with insomnia, I still often find myself lying in bed singing these songs to myself (reason #14 I am 38 and still single...).

I was overjoyed that it is an "easy" edition of his songs, meaning that I actually know most of the chords used. I mean -- seriously giddy. I think my dad thought I might have gone 'round the bend a bit, as I plucked out "Take Me Home, Country Roads". Tonight I've been trying to play "Follow Me", and it's making me ridiculously happy. And there's the sweet spot I've been missing these past 4 months -- I really have no interest in being a great guitar player; if I can just play a few John Denver songs I will be ecstatic. Anything else is gravy. (Although, I am also eyeing a couple of Patty Griffin songs...).

Another happy thing: The Swell Season's new album "Strict Joy". The Swell Season is the couple (or, former couple) from the movie "Once", plus what appears to be most of Glen Hansard's old band The Frames. These songs are so beautiful and haunting and fabulous and I can't stop listening to them (except, of course, to play John Denver). Late this afternoon I had to run some errands, and driving home there was a fabulous moonrise, with these pink clouds that tinted the leaves on the trees a kind of sepia-tone. As it accompanied the Swell Season songs, it was strangely, eerily beautiful.

One more happy thing: Little Lad's herbal popcorn was at Whole Foods!!! This stuff is so freaking good, I personally don't care WHAT is in it. I used to get it at this tiny little health food store in Augusta (Maine) when I lived there a few years ago, and up until today had never been able to find it anywhere else. I confess that it was dinner tonight :-)

Finally, we fixed the toilet seat that, I am fairly certain, the cat managed to break. A few nights ago I heard a crash in the bathroom and the cat came flying out of there. He had knocked a decorative ceramic vase off the back of the toilet, which I'm guessing must have bounced and hit one of the plastic screw-thingies (technical term!) that keeps the toilet seat anchored. All I really know is that shortly after the crash I discovered a strange piece of plastic on the floor and the seat was suddenly wobbly...I can't help but think all events are related to the cat's speedy exit.

UPCOMING: I have a goal this week to post at least one happy thing each day here, as I endeavor to resuscitate my "Happiness Project". Stay tuned!

Purple Redux

The purple quilt was shipped (via my mother's luggage) out to San Francisco for my niece J.'s 9th birthday. She called to tell me she really liked it, and that it was going with her to Disneyland (after living in CA for a year, anything under 80 degrees seems cold, apparently). I was really glad to hear she liked it, particularly since she is not a fan of pink, and there was definitely some pink in there. And, y'know, no aunt worth her stripes wants to give a kid a lousy birthday gift! (There were a few other things, just in case...)

Thirty seconds later, I got another phone call from J.'s 7-year old sister:

"Aunt Lori, y'know that quilt thing you made J.? Can you please make me one just like it?"

Is it terrible that I said, "Of course I can, but are you sure you don't want a pink one?"!?

Alas, she insisted on purple, and so purple it is. The trouble is, I wiped out my purple fabric stash on the first quilt, so I had to make a quick run to the quilt store Saturday afternoon after my guitar lesson. Luckily, they still had the same border fabric I used on the first one, so while there's no way I can exactly reproduce the patchwork, at least the borders will be the same.

In the meantime...while ransacking the fabric stash hoping to find more purple, I found some leftover Bali Pop strips. I found this free pattern online, and managed to whip up a couple of blocks:

I so love Bali strips...and I really like this pattern. I do, however, always come up short when using them -- I always wind up with smaller blocks than I'm supposed to, despite the fact that I triple-check all my measurements. The only thing I can guess at is that the 1/4" presser foot that I have is slightly more generous than the "scant" 1/4" seams the patterns call for. These blocks are 8", rather than 8 1/2"...it's ultimately fine, as long as they square up (a couple of the above are not completely sewn yet, so that's why they may look a little off-kilter). At any rate, I'm sewing these for a bit so I can get my gumption up to spend another chunk of time in purple land.

MISCELLANEOUS:

1) Have you seen the BBC show Gavin & Stacey? Honestly, I can't remember life before it and now cannot stop saying "Hiyaaaaa" in a terrible imitation of a Welsh accent. The show is a cheeky adult comedy for grown-ups...and you will never look at your toilet brush in quite the same way. It can be Netflixed, bought via iTunes, or rumor has it it occasionally airs on BBC America. If you have any sense of humor at all, you will fall off your chair laughing!!!

2) I finally caved and got a Blackberry. Shockingly, there are apparently no knitting or quilting apps available. I searched "crafts" and all that turned up was "Canadian Living". I find this odd.

3) My just-out-of-college guitar teacher doesn't know who John Denver was. I'm still speechless.

I turn my back for ONE second and...

Doh!

1) I wish I had written this book. I mean, really - with my social conscience and my quilting history, it's a tragedy someone else had this excellent idea. But good for her, and I highly recommend it.

2) Have you ever had a project...well, just not come out right? I had all this purple fabric, and I sewed it together, thinking it might make a nice birthday surprise for a certain niece of mine. It's not what I had imagined, although to be fair it still needs an outside border:

For some reason, I have the voice of Tim Gunn in my head saying, "What a hot mess".

The pattern is "Tossed Nine Patch" by Eleanor Burns. I did not construct it using her method, though, because I had a bunch of 2.5" Bali Pop strips that I wanted to use (that were leftover from another project). This was a "use up the fabric stash" project, and so in that respect I'm happy about it. I will also say that I sewed a lot of this while listening to The Weepies, in particular the song "Twilight", and the colors here sort of look like twilight, don' t they?

We will not discuss the clumps of cat hair on certain spots of the quilt where the cat made himself comfortable. Wilbert the Cat came to be because my niece asked Santa to bring her a "real live purple kitty" for Christmas a few years ago, and he used to sleep on her bed. I think in some cat-knowing way he understood who this quilt was for, and felt he needed to contribute. All I'm saying is, thank all that is high and holy for dryers that suck up lint, fuzz, and kitty hair.

Edited to add -- it looks much better in daylight!!

Random Wednesday (Late Edition)

1)  I cannot stop listening to the song "9 Crimes" by Damien Rice.  Can. Not.  Stop.  I also cannot make any sense out of the lyrics whatsoever.  Is there a euphemism I'm missing?  Apparently, though, I am not alone.  (Also?  video totally reminds me of the "sorta fairytale" video by Tori Amos.)

2) I seem to be on another purple kick.  This happened last fall, and I find it odd.  I am currently knitting a purple sweater, sewing purple patchwork squares, and I bought a purple scarf.  

3)  When I'm not listening to "9 Crimes", I'm listening to "Twilight" by The Weepies.  In this case, I love the lyrics.  It's kind of a sad song, actually - "no one knocks upon your door / 'til you don' t care anymore / a little alone but it's all right / we are always living in twilight" - but it has the perverse result of cheering me up.  

4) I was feeling really  ordinary the other day, and what do you know, there's actually a Wiki-how page on "how to be extraordinary".  Of course there is.  And if it were only that simple.

5) I cannot believe tomorrow is October.  Where did it all go?  I'm not ready for winter.  I'm not ready for the inevitable cranky mornings when I have to get up early and spend who-knows-how-long cleaning the ice and snow off the car.  I AM looking forward to baking bread again - for me, this is a winter sport.

6)  Two years ago I was getting ready to move to NYC.  In retrospect, I cannot believe I did it.  I'm still not sure if it was the best thing I ever did or if it was sheer lunacy.  I trend towards the latter.

7)  Speaking of sheer lunacy, the cat continues his evil ways.  Tonight he calmed down for a few minutes and, all innocent-like, cat-napped in a basket of fabric.  It's like he instinctively KNOWS to be exactly where I don't want him to be.  (But isn't he cute?!)