The cat woke me up at 5:30 am, yowling so much that I thought there must be something seriously wrong. I came downstairs - his bowls of food and water were full, and the basement door was open so he could get down to the litter box. In the world of an indoor house cat these are about the only diagnosable crises, at least with no visible signs of missing fur. Turned out he wanted to "rug surf", which is what we call it when he tears around chasing his catnip toy and lands on the area rugs in such a manner that they skid across the floor, the cat along for the ride. A game I love to play, just not that early on a Saturday.
Back to bed, exhausted from yet another insanely busy work week, only to be woken hours later by loud hammering. Seems the roofers, scheduled to show up on Monday, decided to come today instead. It wouldn't be a problem, except they set up shop (& scaffolding) right in front of the garage door, trapping me here. And THAT wouldn't be so problematic either, if a) I could concentrate on something while they are hammering, and b) if I'd gone to the grocery store last night, or even c) if my Netflix order had showed up. I just hope they take the scaffolding with them when they leave; it is entirely possible they don't realize I am here.
Thus poised, I'm going to go raid the kitchen and then see if I can find the Daily Show episode of Jon Stewart taking on the CNBC guy. That should cheer me up.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
As My World Turns...
It was another long, angst-ridden week...but I signed up for another writing class. I was amused to see that the description for the slightly calamitous class I took last summer now contains the disclaimer "Please note: this is not group therapy".
I also finally bought more Noro yarn to make mittens and possibly a hat to match my scarf. I do not need any more yarn, and winter is (allegedly...) waning, but whatever - it was crisis yarn buying. It has to be better than drowning in Ben and Jerry's, right?
S. told me about this guy named Parker Palmer, who sort of defies description but has been referred to a "Quaker activist". His big thing is "the tragic gap" - the divide between what is real and what is possible. He says that the most successful people find a way to navigate this gap without losing their true selves in the process. I was suspicious at first, but seriously? I have so clearly taken up residency in that tragic gap. He does a lot of work with teachers, hospital workers, and other nonprofit do-good types, who often become so dismayed with the systems/institutions they encounter that they lose heart for their work. The reality of the day-to-day crap drags us down, and we lose sight of what is possible. Or, we work with people who are too focused on the possibilities, and not focused enough on the realities. Totally familiar, and oddly satisfying to learn that I am not the only person having struggled with this.
To top it all off, I had this weird realization today while talking with a coworker, who became a grandma today for the 7th time. It suddenly occurred to me that, since I never had children, I will never know what my kid(s) would have looked like. This completely paralyzed me for much of the commute home, despite being in possession of the new New Yorker. And, for some reason, it occurred to me that I'm not sure what I've learned over the past two years, except maybe that my life might not have been nearly as bad as I thought it was. Oh, and how to knit socks. I suppose that's something.
I also finally bought more Noro yarn to make mittens and possibly a hat to match my scarf. I do not need any more yarn, and winter is (allegedly...) waning, but whatever - it was crisis yarn buying. It has to be better than drowning in Ben and Jerry's, right?
S. told me about this guy named Parker Palmer, who sort of defies description but has been referred to a "Quaker activist". His big thing is "the tragic gap" - the divide between what is real and what is possible. He says that the most successful people find a way to navigate this gap without losing their true selves in the process. I was suspicious at first, but seriously? I have so clearly taken up residency in that tragic gap. He does a lot of work with teachers, hospital workers, and other nonprofit do-good types, who often become so dismayed with the systems/institutions they encounter that they lose heart for their work. The reality of the day-to-day crap drags us down, and we lose sight of what is possible. Or, we work with people who are too focused on the possibilities, and not focused enough on the realities. Totally familiar, and oddly satisfying to learn that I am not the only person having struggled with this.
To top it all off, I had this weird realization today while talking with a coworker, who became a grandma today for the 7th time. It suddenly occurred to me that, since I never had children, I will never know what my kid(s) would have looked like. This completely paralyzed me for much of the commute home, despite being in possession of the new New Yorker. And, for some reason, it occurred to me that I'm not sure what I've learned over the past two years, except maybe that my life might not have been nearly as bad as I thought it was. Oh, and how to knit socks. I suppose that's something.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Happy Sunday Afternoon
Today I found nirvana. Well, maybe not exactly nirvana, but pretty darned close. Excellent quilt fabric, good yarn, and a store in an old mill...what's not to love? It's a good thing they had no chocolate, or I never would have left.
It's the Franklin Mill Store, which I pass by twice a day on my new commuter rail line. I went expecting yarn only, and was happily surprised to find Amy Butler fabrics as well as great batiks. I actually refrained from buying any yarn, but only because I was trying to keep to a $20 budget and the fabric was just too tempting. The only downside was, the store didn't have a lot of quarter cuts, which is what I generally buy for art projects. I don't know if they just don't carry much of them, or if they were just running low. Regardless, I got one yard of a beautiful yellow, purple and teal batik print, which is so amazing I want to eat it, and then one of the few packages of quarter yards that I could find, which had six batiks in purples and blues. The main purchase is now draped over my sewing table, and I want to make about six different things with it RIGHT NOW. I should have bought more...but at $9.50 a yard, I couldn't justify buying more without a concrete project in mind.
I did not forage into the Amy Butler bolts, considering it dangerous territory. I also didn't pay a whole lot of attention to the other fabrics they carry, because I was too busy salivating over the batiks. Really high quality batiks can be hard to find, and I'm overjoyed to have a place fairly close by that carries them. Now, all I need is MORE TIME to make stuff...and this week will be a BEAR - I have two huge deadlines. I must keep reminding myself that it's never as bad as I think it will be...
It's the Franklin Mill Store, which I pass by twice a day on my new commuter rail line. I went expecting yarn only, and was happily surprised to find Amy Butler fabrics as well as great batiks. I actually refrained from buying any yarn, but only because I was trying to keep to a $20 budget and the fabric was just too tempting. The only downside was, the store didn't have a lot of quarter cuts, which is what I generally buy for art projects. I don't know if they just don't carry much of them, or if they were just running low. Regardless, I got one yard of a beautiful yellow, purple and teal batik print, which is so amazing I want to eat it, and then one of the few packages of quarter yards that I could find, which had six batiks in purples and blues. The main purchase is now draped over my sewing table, and I want to make about six different things with it RIGHT NOW. I should have bought more...but at $9.50 a yard, I couldn't justify buying more without a concrete project in mind.
I did not forage into the Amy Butler bolts, considering it dangerous territory. I also didn't pay a whole lot of attention to the other fabrics they carry, because I was too busy salivating over the batiks. Really high quality batiks can be hard to find, and I'm overjoyed to have a place fairly close by that carries them. Now, all I need is MORE TIME to make stuff...and this week will be a BEAR - I have two huge deadlines. I must keep reminding myself that it's never as bad as I think it will be...
Monday, January 19, 2009
Love A Day Off (Monday Miscellany)
1) My weekend plans of having my friends all here totally got trounced by yesterday's snowstorm. I'm bummed about this, but that's what I get for trying to plan anything in January.
2) Since I had stocked up on groceries (anticipating company), I went ahead and actually cooked something -- a bastardization of Moosewood's Peruvian Quinoa Stew. I use yellow squash instead of zucchini, and throw in ground turkey. Instead of eating it on quinoa (or rice, or couscous) I eat it with tortilla chips, kind of like a really chunky dip, because otherwise it would be a relatively healthy thing to eat. My point, though, is that I can actually cook when I make my mind up to do it.
3) At the suggestion of my 8-year old niece, I have drastically cut back on the consumption of carbonated beverages, and my stomach feels 90% better. I'm sure my health insurance company would be thrilled to know that they just shelled out oodles of money for a CT scan when really, I just had to lay off the Diet Pepsi and carbonated Poland Spring water. And I'm sure my doctor would be thrilled to know that she was out-diagnosed by an 8-year old, although to be fair the 8-year old was well aware that I start the day with Diet Pepsi. And to some extent I feel a little idiotic about it all, like "why didn't I think of that?", except that I've been drinking Diet Pepsi for breakfast since...oh geez, 1995??? (And, the pain is not completely gone, so it may be that the soda was just exacerbating something else.)
4) I spent this morning hand quilting, which is difficult when the cat wants to sit on the quilt in progress. He's been exceptionally grumpy the past few days, and I'm not sure what his problem is.
5) I just discovered that Netflix has meditation and yoga DVD's. How did I miss this?
6) I am simultaneously totally unmotivated this afternoon and feeling immense pressure to GO DO SOMETHING, since I've been cooped up in the house since about 4 pm on Saturday. None of my options seem compelling enough to actually make me want to change into non-pajama-type clothing, though. And I'm already bemoaning the fact that I don't get another day off from work until February. I really miss having lots of vacation...
7) I think Bush looks just as relieved as the rest of us.
2) Since I had stocked up on groceries (anticipating company), I went ahead and actually cooked something -- a bastardization of Moosewood's Peruvian Quinoa Stew. I use yellow squash instead of zucchini, and throw in ground turkey. Instead of eating it on quinoa (or rice, or couscous) I eat it with tortilla chips, kind of like a really chunky dip, because otherwise it would be a relatively healthy thing to eat. My point, though, is that I can actually cook when I make my mind up to do it.
3) At the suggestion of my 8-year old niece, I have drastically cut back on the consumption of carbonated beverages, and my stomach feels 90% better. I'm sure my health insurance company would be thrilled to know that they just shelled out oodles of money for a CT scan when really, I just had to lay off the Diet Pepsi and carbonated Poland Spring water. And I'm sure my doctor would be thrilled to know that she was out-diagnosed by an 8-year old, although to be fair the 8-year old was well aware that I start the day with Diet Pepsi. And to some extent I feel a little idiotic about it all, like "why didn't I think of that?", except that I've been drinking Diet Pepsi for breakfast since...oh geez, 1995??? (And, the pain is not completely gone, so it may be that the soda was just exacerbating something else.)
4) I spent this morning hand quilting, which is difficult when the cat wants to sit on the quilt in progress. He's been exceptionally grumpy the past few days, and I'm not sure what his problem is.
5) I just discovered that Netflix has meditation and yoga DVD's. How did I miss this?
6) I am simultaneously totally unmotivated this afternoon and feeling immense pressure to GO DO SOMETHING, since I've been cooped up in the house since about 4 pm on Saturday. None of my options seem compelling enough to actually make me want to change into non-pajama-type clothing, though. And I'm already bemoaning the fact that I don't get another day off from work until February. I really miss having lots of vacation...
7) I think Bush looks just as relieved as the rest of us.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
The Day In Pictures
Woke up to this...
Spent the afternoon sharing the couch with this...
And finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I finished my Noro scarf...
Spent the afternoon sharing the couch with this...
And finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I finished my Noro scarf...
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Baby Steps
Home from work today (ice storm), I made a list of all the challenges I am facing and what I am doing about them. Oddly, after I finished writing the list I was surprised to see that I am actually taking action on each of them. For every challenge, there has been at least one concrete step that I have taken over the past couple of months to address it. I'm not sure why this surprised me - I guess because I feel like I've just been sitting around moping and whining about things. Obviously, there's a lot more I can and should do, and not everything I do is going to turn out well - but I feel like I am in fact trying, and that should count for something.
I think it's all so overwhelming because there is SO MUCH that I am trying to work out and deal with. My car had issues, which I finally dealt with this past weekend. A health issue, which will hopefully be resolved (one way or the other...) on Friday. A punishing commute. Wanting to do creative work and all the typical issues that surround that wish - fear of not being good enough, not knowing how to do it, not knowing how I would pay my bills. Trying to meet someone but simply not feeling any spark with anyone new. Knowing I am in all likelihood going to have to move sometime this summer, and being totally unsure of where I want to go.
When I left Maine, just over a year ago, I wanted to shake my life up. Boy, did I succeed in that. Some days, I feel like I've been turned inside out and skinned alive, and the process of turning myself right-side again is even more painful. But I keep reading Haven Kimmel's book "She Got Up Off The Couch", about her mother's journey from being an obese, poor stay-at-home mom with a totally unsupportive husband, to putting herself through college and becoming a teacher. It's a reminder that we are actually capable of changing our own lives, if we can just figure out how to get out of our own way long enough to DO something, baby steps included. This can be figured out.
However. Directions or divine intervention would still be appreciated.
I think it's all so overwhelming because there is SO MUCH that I am trying to work out and deal with. My car had issues, which I finally dealt with this past weekend. A health issue, which will hopefully be resolved (one way or the other...) on Friday. A punishing commute. Wanting to do creative work and all the typical issues that surround that wish - fear of not being good enough, not knowing how to do it, not knowing how I would pay my bills. Trying to meet someone but simply not feeling any spark with anyone new. Knowing I am in all likelihood going to have to move sometime this summer, and being totally unsure of where I want to go.
When I left Maine, just over a year ago, I wanted to shake my life up. Boy, did I succeed in that. Some days, I feel like I've been turned inside out and skinned alive, and the process of turning myself right-side again is even more painful. But I keep reading Haven Kimmel's book "She Got Up Off The Couch", about her mother's journey from being an obese, poor stay-at-home mom with a totally unsupportive husband, to putting herself through college and becoming a teacher. It's a reminder that we are actually capable of changing our own lives, if we can just figure out how to get out of our own way long enough to DO something, baby steps included. This can be figured out.
However. Directions or divine intervention would still be appreciated.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
The Requisite Annual Navel Gazing
2008 was the year of the sock. I'm not sure what all else I accomplished, really, except knit socks. Leaving NYC wasn't exactly what I would call an accomplishment; in fact it still feels like a big fat failure, particularly since this Boston thing hasn't been exactly sunshine and roses either. I did write a fair amount, and did meet my one goal of submitting an essay to a magazine. The act of putting a piece of my work out in the world was oddly liberating.
I gave up on New Year's resolutions years ago, but goals...goals are another story. I realized recently that since finishing grad school, I really haven't had any goals for myself, other than falling in love and having a baby. The problem with those goals is, they kind of require someone else. Further complicating things is my recent realization that having someone to come home to is incredibly good for me, and now that my company has gone I am feeling that void quite acutely. Not really sure what to do about that...the cat is all well and good, but I'd prefer human company that talks back and doesn't shed on my black wool pea coat.
But I've also realized that I've really let my female friendships slide in the past couple of years, and that is actually something I can try to fix...starting with having friends over in a few weeks to knit and sew and whatever all else they want to do. A small start there.
Other than that, my goals are much less concrete. More writing. More art projects. More photography. Less whining in general.
And, y'know, if a few pounds disappear along the way, I won't complain.
I gave up on New Year's resolutions years ago, but goals...goals are another story. I realized recently that since finishing grad school, I really haven't had any goals for myself, other than falling in love and having a baby. The problem with those goals is, they kind of require someone else. Further complicating things is my recent realization that having someone to come home to is incredibly good for me, and now that my company has gone I am feeling that void quite acutely. Not really sure what to do about that...the cat is all well and good, but I'd prefer human company that talks back and doesn't shed on my black wool pea coat.
But I've also realized that I've really let my female friendships slide in the past couple of years, and that is actually something I can try to fix...starting with having friends over in a few weeks to knit and sew and whatever all else they want to do. A small start there.
Other than that, my goals are much less concrete. More writing. More art projects. More photography. Less whining in general.
And, y'know, if a few pounds disappear along the way, I won't complain.
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